God is shining his light on me in a dark time.

My boss proposed that I buy her car, a '94 Nissan Maxima, for $1000, but she had to ok it with her husband and her son.  They're alright with it, so I'll be buying that.  It's amazing this miracle of a car being available so quickly.  She's even going to let me pay in two installments so that I can get the car for $500 then pay her another $500 whenever I have it.  She knows how much I'm making, and she knows when I'll be able to pay it, so thankfully, I'll be driving the car in probably one month and have it paid off a month after that.  That's so much help, it's so nice of her to give me a chance to drive before I have the car fully paid off.  I love Linda... I know I've had my words before, but I guess I'm seeing deep down that she really is a great person, and I'm glad to work for her.  I should've been more appreciative to have her as my boss, and I intend to be more satisfied.

The Maxima is not going to be exactly like my Cavalier, but in time I'll appreciate it.  I'm very thankful this opportunity is coming to me, though I know I'll be a little resentful at first about my new car, because I'll know the only reason I have it is because I destroyed my old one.  The fact that I had to lose a car I loved to get this new one will weigh heavily on me, but I expect I'll learn to love it too, and I'll try very hard to be the least resentful I can be.  Besides, the Maxima has some nice stuff my Princess didn't.  Power Windows, Power locks, it's a top of the line for its time, and I'm not complaining.  But my old CD player from Princess Garnet will replace the one coming in the Maxima, just to give the new car a bit of my old one in it.  I will not compare the two, but love them equally and unconditionally.

So I will have the money soon.  I also will have a ticket to pay for speeding (which is much better than the original Reckless Driving charge I might've had), and I'll have to pay the DMV again for registration and all that crap, so I have some expenses I'll have to deal with.  These are going to be rough times financially ahead.  But I'll do just fine.

The lord has and does and always will take care of me.

-Trevor James

PS I have a bottle of liquor with which I wish to toast my old car, Princess Pyrope Garnet.  I know I don't drink, but I think this warrants it.  My close friends and I will have to have a drink for my baby, because she protected me even when she was destroyed, and I'll always have a special place in my heart for her, my first car, my sweet car, my lovely car.

I got into a wreck with Kevin in my car.  My car is totalled.  It was a close call, but I do not belive our lives were in danger, I didn't have any flashing of my life before my eyes, I knew I would be alright, the only thing on my mind was how messed up my car would be after it finally stopped moving.  If you want details to the wreck, just talk to me, I'll tell you, I'm not going to write it up here.

It's messed up.  I'm not going to ressurect her, unfortunately.  She took good care of me.  I love her.  But she's gone. 

I told Britney, the girl who sold it to me, my good friend and cooworker.  I gave her a key to the car attatched on a keychain to one of the chevy symbols from the car.  She was really nice about it, she's always been very loving.  I love Britney.

So I'm starting over on getting a car.  Insurance won't give me enough, So I'll tough it out, my mother and I will take turns using the van because my parents are being very good about this.  My dad understands, having had multiple crashes in hils youth.

Anyways, take care everyone, I'll be alright, I'm sad about my car, and I feel guilty about not being loyal to her, but I think it's her time, she's not fixable.  I'm not having a new lease on my life or anything, I'm not elated with the fact that I survived, because I knew I wasn't going to die. I'm really just kinda bummed about busting up my car.

-Trevor James

Groove Coverage- The End

My home is in motion, as darkness unfolds.
The air overloaded, the sky's dancing gold.
But you went away, you left me to stay
We'll see us in heaven, I'm counting the days

At the end of time, at the end of us,
At the end of everything we had,
Only faith helps you, only grace can do
Only you can take the pain

Cause the end of peace is the end of life
and the end of any happiness
Only love helps you, only trust can do
Only you can take the pain of me

When thunder is calling I feel so alive
The very first morning, can you see the light?
But you closed the door, to what I adored
We'll see us in heaven, I'm counting no more

At the end of time, at the end of us,
At the end of everything we had,
Only faith helps you, only grace can do
Only you can take the pain

Cause the end of peace is the end of life
and the end of any happiness
Only love helps you, only trust can do
Only you can take the pain of me

When in doubt, Groove Coverage lyrics are awesome... of course... this particular song was an Alice Cooper cover… but that’s alright. I’m at a crossroads… I don’t know what, I feel lost. I’m in a touchy situation. Don’t you love these vague entries? Where I don’t go anywhere near the actual issue… I do it a lot.

I’m too old for this… I’m acting like some early High school teenage boy… but I’m kinda afraid of a certain situation. And a great friend told me something like sometimes admitting deafeat before trying can actually be the thing that brings the situation to a bad end. I would probably have to agree… but I do this… I admit defeat before trying sometimes… it’s how I deal. That way I don’t feel bad when it goes wrong because I totally knew it would end that way. But I’ll still try, but with the idea that it’s doomed to begin with.

I’m torturing myself again, in a that certain unnamed situation, heh, leading me to be a little melodramatic on my blog entries. I don’t know what to do about a situation. I really don’t.

I have to be really vague about my feelings. I wish I didn't have to, but given the sensitive nature of the situation and given how many people could read this, and which people would read this, I have to be, I have to. I don't want to mess anything up because I opened up my mouth just because I felt compelled to vent a little.

I’m thankful for all that I have. Everything. I wish some things were different, though. And I wish that God would lend me some wisdom… or some advice. I need guidance… guidance of a divine sort, so that I can know what to do. So I would know what I have to do. I wish I knew the plan, so that the things that don’t go my way won’t bother me. I wish I knew purpose. But that might change how I’d do things, and that’d change the way things came out. I just… I wish I knew what the right thing to do was.

-Trevor James

Groove Coverage- Poison

Your cruel device
your blood, like ice
One look, could kill
My pain, your thrill...

I wanna love you but I better not touch 
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much 
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You’re poison, running through my veins
Poison
I don’t wanna play these games

Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I’m caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace, on sweat....

I hear you calling and it’s needles and pins
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don’t wanna touch you but you’re under my skin 
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You’re poison, running through my veins
Poison
I don’t wanna break these chains
Poison...

One look, could kill
My pain, your thrill...

I wanna love you but I better not touch
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much 
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You’re poison, running through my veins
Poison
I don’t wanna break these chains
Poison 

I wanna love you but I better not touch 
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
Yeah....
Well I don’t wanna break these chains
Poison
Runnin’ deep inside my veins
Burnin’ deep inside my brain
Poison
and I don’t wanna break these chains
Poison

I quit smoking

It's not that bad, I'm fidgety, and I can't concentrate too hard, but all in all it's alright.  I'm glad I'll be saving money.  I cheated and had a black and mild, but that's alright, it's not like a continuing thing.  I think that may be an occasional thing for me anyways, just because it's relaxing, but I'm saying very occasionally.

Patches suck, least mine did, they don't stay on, and I kind of feel they're perpetuating my addiction by giving me nicotine.  So when I woke up this morning, I didn't put one on, and I feel fine. 

Proud of me?  Cause I've quit 4 times before in the past year.  I didn't do this for anyone else, but it'd help to have a little support instead of people and their scoffing. 

So I've been working a whole lot.  Every day this week, every day next week.  It feels great, there's a feeling of accomplishment when I work so much, and not just the paycheck. 

I haven't had much time for friends... sorry guys.  But most of my free time goes to spending it with Ian and Tanya, cause they're so fun.  And the neice is her usual crazy self.  Love them all.

So yeah, another non-content post, I just don't know what to say.  I'm not compelled to speak my feelings. 

Still reading the Potter dude, about halfway through the 4th, It's awesome times, and it's why I don't sleep enough, I work, then hang out, then I come home when I should be going to bed, and I read for a couple of hours.  Fun times.